“Courage, dear heart.” — C.S. Lewis

One thing I have learned, living in the aftermath of trauma, is that it is easier to fall apart than it is to fall together. In the early days, we tend to come together. We hold hands, and we show our love, and we promise we will be there for one another. We become the best of ourselves, as we work to support another through the toughest of times.

For some reason though, as the days wear on, instead of remaining together through our suffering and our grief, we tend to fall apart. After Chris’ accident, I did not understand that as the days, months and years wore on, things were going get much worse instead of much better. When trauma enters our lives, it tends to push our buttons, every single one of them, over and over again. Creating a reaction in ourselves, and a reaction in others that we do not know how to reconcile.

When we are triggered, it is very difficult to be our best selves, and when there is trauma, everyone who experiences it, will be triggered. For many, when we feel vulnerable, we pull into ourselves in an effort to protect. Leaving us alone and lonely, at the time when we need our loved ones and our communities the most. This is one of the major tragedies of trauma. Not only the loss of ourselves, and the future we thought we would have, but also the loss of our loved ones and the futures we thought we would have with them. For reasons I do not understand, tragedies and trauma create fractures in relationships that may not have fractured otherwise. Perhaps it is the uncertainty and the fear that accompanies it. Maybe it is that people do not know how to support one another through a scenario in which both are struggling. It could be that anger over losing the lives we thought we would have and the fear that we will suffer without end, bleeds into our relationships in ways we do not understand. Adding to the trauma. Exacerbating the tragedy. Increasing the fear, leading us to act in ways we might not otherwise.

Suddenly, yet somehow also slowly, families, friendships and communities break down, falling apart instead of falling together. Love that will always be there, though we may not realize it at the time, feels like it does not matter anymore, as we fight for our survival as we live through the trauma. Not understanding that if we could just reach across the chasm that has grown between us, pushing us into places we do not really want to be, we would find that though we are afraid and full of a feelings of anger, on the other side there is compassion, understanding and love.

But, how do we do this when we are triggered? When fear has invaded our bodies, telling us to fight no matter the outcome, believing this is the only path to survival. How do we reach out to the other, when we can barely reach out to ourselves? These are not questions I know how to answers yet. I cannot tell you, because this was not my path. All that I do know, so many years after the accident, is that when living though trauma, we will one day understand that falling together and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and open, is so much more healing, than pulling away and falling apart.

So, take a moment, if you can, to look around you, as we all go through what we are all currently going through. Take a little time to ask yourself if you have begun to close and protect or open and heal. Because survival is not only about surviving. Survival is about more than just getting through the day. It is also about remembering that you have to live in the aftermath. And though you may feel that your anger is justified, and you do not care about the relationships you lose, there will come a day when you will look back, because things always end one way or another. And you will look back and wonder if the collateral damage was actually worth it. Because one thing is certain, not matter the outcome, you will have to live in the world you helped create.