In the weeks leading up to this day I have spent a lot of time reflecting and thinking about what I would write. It seemed impossible that I would find the words and I wondered if this year was going to be the one I stopped writing this blog for good.  

It has been seven years since the accident. Seven years. A lot happens in seven years. Our babies have grown into children and that traumatic and life-changing day has become a distant memory in so many ways. I no longer think about it all the time and the waves and reverberations tend not to knock me off my feet in the same way. I find myself battle-worn. I am not the same woman who woke up on that day. We are not the same family. A different one walks in their place. Not better. Not worse. Just different.

In the midst of all the chaos following the accident, I have tried to find clarity. I suppose I believed that in time I would discover some reason for it all. The answers for all those whys. I called my blog “Searching for Solid Ground” because I thought that one day the shaking would stop and the earth would finally feel solid beneath my feet. I worked toward this in the most studious and tireless manner. I hoped for a return to normalcy. I longed for the days when I would be comfortable and that everything would just stop.  I searched for the feeling of peace and contentment. Somehow as the years passed I began to believe this was the goal.

But on this seventh anniversary of the day that everything changed, I find myself realizing this was and is not the point. We may never know or understand why this moment came into our lives. We may never know or understand why all the chaos following that moment happened. I suspect there will never be an “aha” moment. Instead, I think these years will be looked back upon as a time of extreme highs and extreme lows. We have learned how to live with pain and yet still somehow find beauty in the little things. Sometimes the only thing to do is put your head down. Listen to your heart. Turn your back to the wind and hold on for dear life. Because living with trauma is one hell of a bumpy ride. You cannot expect it to get easier and should always prepare for it to get worse. Much worse. Life makes no promises and reprieves are not often given.

In this insane time in history, we are all living through collective trauma and when our lives change in an instant it can be jolting and terrifying. Our brains struggle to find the world and the person we were before it all happened. We crave something we like to call “normal.” The new normal. We wish it would all disappear and that all of the pain and uncertainty would be replaced with peace and promises.

The thing is, in traumatic times, we have no choice but to go through it. To accept there is nothing you can do to change it. The only thing to do is to learn how to swim in the waves and hold your breath when you are underwater. And though your attempts at survival may not be pretty that should not be the focus. Survival is never picture perfect. It is normal to feel confused and upset and messy in all kinds of ways. Making mistakes is part of the process. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself to be flawless and inspirational. You don’t need to aspire to be something that in truth does not actually exist. I did and it only made it worse.

If I could change anything in our journey I would change this. The expectations I had for myself and my family were crippling. Had I accepted I was a mere human being, perhaps it would have been less painful. In times like these, we have no choice but to feel the pain and uncertainty. They refuse to be banished. I wish I knew that then. Instead of exerting my energy and my tremendous will to push the pain and uncertainty away, I needed to welcome them. They were coming no matter what I did. Like flooding water or days of drought. You cannot wish them away. You can only try to survive in the moments and in the days that follow.

Feeling afraid in times of upheaval and uncertainty is normal. Facing your mortality is hard. It brings up all kinds of gunk and goo. It pushes us to our limits. So when you can, be gentle with yourself. Try not to judge your ways of coping. Try not to condemn yourself for struggling to accept that you are not in control. That the world around you is changing too rapidly. Allow yourself to grieve all you have lost and all you are losing. There is nothing wrong with grieving. Feel sad on your sad days. Angry on your angry days. Courageous on your courageous days. Hopeful on your hopeful days. Laughter and joy are always waiting in the wings. Somehow pain and beauty manage to live side by side.

If you are new to this world. If you have not lived through trauma before buckle up. Buckle up and remember if you can that you are stronger than you realize. It is okay to feel your feelings. They are a part of this journey. Do not look to others to show you the way. Find your own inspirations. You are allowed to follow your own pathways. Trauma is a very individual experience. Though there may be similar ways in which we all react, it is a personal journey.

Most will get through it. Sadly, though, many will not. Trauma is not a nice place to dwell. The winds are strong and the darkness that comes with it can fell like the blackest of nights. The light can be hard to find and somedays you will want to give up. Try not to. Because maybe there is a corner just around the corner. Maybe one day you will be able to look back with your own answer. Maybe there will be a reason after all. Maybe.