“I would rather die on my feet than live on my knees.” — Euripides

Sometimes we create walls around us. Walls that we cannot see over. Walls with out doors or windows. Brick walls so high we can barely see the sky. Walls we believe will keep us safe. Walls in our minds. Trying to keep out danger and uncertainty. Walls that after a time become our prisons. Boxes that not only keep others out, but keep us in. Trapped within the power of our fears. Making choices based on insecurity rather than courage. Numbing ourselves so we do not have to feel the scary side of being human. Controlling our surroundings so no ghosts or goblins darken our doors.

I understand this need. I did it myself. When the world became a scary place for me, I worked hard to control every part of my life. Putting up walls to keep us safe. Creating a vertical prison. A box. The funny thing is. The more I controlled, the more unsafe I felt. The more bricks I placed, the more fear filled my body. Instead of dispelling it. It grew. I started to see shadows in the sunlight. Even sunny days seemed ominous.

I know this is not a healthy way to exist. I have learned the more I live with unclenched fists, the safer I feel. The less I control, the less I need to control. In my most difficult days, when my walls were so high they almost blotted out the sun, the dark terrified me. Ironic. I could not sit in the dark. I could not sit on my peaceful patio at night and take in the beauty of the stars above. I feared the nonexistent “monsters” that lurked in the bushes around me. I would try and force myself to sit in the feeling. My fear was too strong though. My heart would beat too quickly. I would have to go inside. My mind convinced me my fears were real. They were not. There was nothing there. Just monsters created in my head. A reason to keep building the wall. Until I found myself really sitting in the darkness I had feared so much.

Do not get me wrong. I still struggle with this. I know we live in a world that is not always safe. Sometimes things do lurk in the shadows. We all die. We will all suffer tragedies. We will all break at some point in our lives. We will all struggle. Sometimes life feels too hard. Too uncertain. Too uncontrollable. So, we tighten. We build. We do the exact opposite of what will help us. We focus on the darkness instead of allowing ourselves to live in the light.

But truly, what is life if we live hidden in the shadow of a wall? Refusing to enjoy the gift we have been given. A place on this planet. An opportunity to love. An opportunity to shine. An opportunity to succeed. An opportunity to fail. An opportunity  to be. An opportunity to stand in our courage in this crazy thing we call life. An opportunity to live.

In the first days, weeks and months following the accident, Chris and I lived our lives open. We led with our hearts. The world we saw before us was beautiful. Shiny. There was no dullness. We saw our surroundings with new eyes. We were truly grateful for what we had. I have never felt so free. My feelings and emotions were not jumbled. Not tainted by fears and anxiety. No Judgment. They were not filtered. They were pure. Decisions were not hard to make. I just knew what needed to be done.

I did not realize I needed to protect it. This new way of seeing the world. We had been given a gift of true sight. We saw the world for what it was. We saw our lives for what they were. Gifts. Precious moments. Each heart beat something to be thankful for.

Though we had felt death’s breath upon our cheeks, we did not fear it. Instead, we felt invigorated by it. We felt alive in a way we had not felt before. I smiled with my eyes and my heart. I felt with every cell of my body. We both did. I loved in a way I had not known. I cannot describe it. It is not really describable. It has to be lived. But maybe I can liken it. To a roller coaster. After you have survived the drop. The exhilaration one feels after their feet have touched upon the ground after jumping out of a plane. It lasted longer though. It lasted for months.

But like I said above. It needed protecting. Perhaps living open is not our natural state. Most people do not. It can be too painful. Too raw. It makes us vulnerable. So, life seeps back in. We start to fear the fact we are different. That we do not really fit anymore. We know too much. People push back. Not everyone. But most.

So slowly. Without realizing it. We started to rebuild the wall the accident had torn down for us. A brick at a time. We let the shadows creep over us. We gave them more power than they had ever had. We made them real. The only thing. We know better now. We really do. We have seen the world outside of our boxes. We have lived life without a wall. And survived.

It is not easy. It takes true courage. The facing of our fears. The knowing we may die. We may break. But doing it anyways. Pushing against the panic that blinds us. Pushing against the phobias that lie to us. Looking terror in the face and holding. Saying I will stand in the sun instead of hiding in the shadows. Because letting fear run our lives is the true tragedy. It is being dead though our hearts still beat. I have been there. Some days I still am. Hiding in the corner. Hoping that the monsters I have created in my mind will not destroy me. Thinking only of myself and the terror I feel.

I do not always understand I am strong. That a wall is not needed to protect us. My box does not keep me safe within its prison like walls. Fear is not my ally. It is the illusion of safety. It took me awhile to realize that all I have to do is stand up and walk out of my prison. I have the key. Freedom is just on the other side of the wall.