“Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen:  room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.” — Pema Chodron

The number of times, since the accident, that I have had people insinuate, or say straight out, that they know better how I should move through it, are too numerous to count. I have had people tell me over and over that because I write this blog, that I am somehow stuck in my trauma. Most of the time, these same people, never ask me how I am doing. They never ask me how I feel about my journey, and where we find ourselves now. Instead, they misunderstand my words, and make assumptions that lead to condescending and misguided attempts to help me “recover.”

One of the things I realized very quickly after the accident is that people who have not lived it will not understand it. I also recognized that those who do not understand are often the first to make assumptions or give condescending and problematic advice. With each blog I write, I know that there will be people who do not understand who will read it, and that their take from it will be to question why we can’t just get on with it. But, this is the point I have been trying to get across in many of my blogs, and this is why I continue to write the words I do. First, I want to empathize with those who are going through it, so they know that someone, even if it is just one persons, understands the challenges they are facing, and just how scary those challenges can be.

In the initial months and years following the accident, I felt very alone, and in many ways I did not understand the journey I was on. Due to this, I struggled in ways that I feel are very unnecessary. The number of people who said or insinuated that I had to find a way to leave it behind me, and not wallow in it, far outnumbered the ones who took the time to support and empathize with me. This led me down a painful path, and the isolation I felt was in many ways worse than the initial trauma.

What people who are going through any sort of trauma or life upset need is support and compassion, not ill-fitting advice that tells them not to feel what they are feeling. This is beyond damaging. This can be life altering for those who are trying to come to terms with major life changes, and challenges. When I felt judged, instead of supported, this put me into a kind of spiral. I did not feel strong enough to defend myself, and I thought the best response was to show the world just how strong I was. I took on the belief that I had to be the one to pull us through and out. I ignored the signs my body was sending me, and I forged on, even as my body and mind faltered.

I carry no shame for my journey. I know that I did the very best that I could, and the fact that I am still here standing is a testament to just how strong survivors can be. I am only one among many.

I no longer understand the need for those who do not understand to offer their ill-conceived advice. That is not my journey. I would like to say though, if you find yourself judging or just not understanding why your loved one is dealing with their trauma in their way, maybe try to take a step back and question why that is your go to. Ask yourself why you need to make someone else’s struggles about you and your view of the world, because one thing I have learned going through all of this, is that I understand far less about the world than I thought I did. My opinions are simply that, my opinions. We all have them. Some are legit. Others are not.

In the blog I posted yesterday, I spoke of understanding, compassion, coming together and healing. As I look at it today, I stand by falling together instead of falling apart, but I do want to make one thing clear. This does not mean forcing yourself and your response to your trauma into somebody else box. Know that when you are going through it, that you should be the priority, and those who chose to minimize your experience are dealing with struggles of their own.

To be honest, when those who continue to tell me to let this trauma go, and learn to love life again in a better place, insinuating that I am a broken person who just cannot heal. It does twinge me just a little. It does make me angry that they continue to misunderstand and minimize my response to a journey that I am allowed to take. But, then I remember me at the beginning of it all. When I was searching the world for someone who understood me, and supported me. Someone to tell me, we understand, and we are here for you. And how when I found that for myself, how these people saved me in so many ways. And how these are the people I will always remember and be thankful for. The ones who didn’t just get on with it, pretending the trauma had never touched their lives. The ones who chose to stay in it so they could help others. These people are heroes to me. They are the best of the best. And though I may not touch lives in the ways they did, I will still try to as much as I am able to show others who struggle that they are not alone.

And take as long as you need to heal. I do not presume to know better than you, how you should live your life. The world needs people who are willing to share their stories, even as they know the judgment they may face.

So, while I said yesterday, as much as you can, be there for one another. If this is not your reality, if this is not what you have available to you in your life, know that there is always the option to find other new people to support you and love you. And know that there are people who do understand what you are going through and why it can take so long to find your feet again. You are not doing it wrong. You are not weak, you are strong. Own your journey, because it is your journey. And as much as you can, try not to let the voices of those who misunderstand you be the ones you hear in your head. Listen to the survivors. They are the ones who get it. They are the ones who know. And to be honest, I have yet to meet one who told me that I needed to stop living in my trauma.