“Fear is inevitable, I have to accept that, but I cannot allow it to paralyze me.”                         –Isobel Allende

The trauma of the accident brought fear into my life. Though I had struggles prior. Though I had tough times.  I always kind of believed. In a somewhat naive fashion, I suppose. That really bad things wouldn’t happen to me. In some ways, I guess this is how a lot of us function. Believing if we believe it happens to the other person somehow we will be protected. It won’t happen to us. We will be the exception. We will not ever have to face our own mortality. The mortality of the people we love.

When Chris almost died. Surviving only by some miracle. It tore that illusion apart. We were lucky. Chris did survive. But it made us realize, sometimes worst fears are realized. Sometimes nightmares do come true. Though I never wanted it to. Though I fought it as hard as I could. This thought chose to settle into my brain. I now knew first hand. We are never truly safe. Change comes whenever it feels like it. We have very little real control over our lives. Our loved ones will die. One day so will we. Though this is true for everyone. I chose to deny this to myself. As far as I was concerned, I had the say. Then, our world fell apart. Then, I got the call.

I have spent the last few years processing this thought. And when bad things happened again. When our world could not be controlled. It all became proof. It cemented the thought in my brain. It trampled down the pathway. It became a place that I regularly visited. Whether I wanted to or not. If I did not visit in my waking moments, I did in my dreams. I spent every moment with it. I walked those paths day after day. Night after night. Sometimes waking in the night, my heart pounding, convinced I was dying. Controlling my surroundings to protect myself and loved ones during the day.

But, this way of living. This way of living is tiring. Always waiting for the shoe to drop. For the next bad thing to happen. Wishing for the feeling of comfort and safety, but never being able to ever really feel safe. Knowing bad things happen all the time. And, I will be honest. Bad things have happened since the accident. Things beyond our control. Hard things that would have broken even the strongest. We have been through more than is bearable. Some days it does not feel fair at all. Some days it feels like those first days following the accident. Some days it has felt all-consuming.

I think I am starting to realize though. This is life. I am starting to realize we all have our stories. We all have our traumas. Everyone around us is struggling in their own unique way. And we could probably all use a really good therapy session or two. Or for loved ones and peers to gather around. Show us we are loved. Promise everything will be okay, though we all know some days it really won’t be. I think I am starting to understand life is not meant to always be easy or good. And though I don’t like to admit it, it seems we aren’t always meant to thrive. A part of being human is admitting that life is really freaking hard sometimes. Sometimes life is not what we want it to be.

But maybe this is where we find grace. Maybe this is where courage lives. Maybe this is how we grow. Knowing the good times can be fleeting, so enjoying them for what they are. Cherishing the little things like a good cup of coffee, a smile from a stranger, a hug from a child. Accepting that our lives are made up of big and little moments. Sometimes the ones that seem the most boring and mundane are actually the most precious. The ones we should hope for more of. A lifetime of. Working to not care that our house is small, that we are not the richest or the most popular in all the land. Understanding that this is the only life we have. Sometimes it will be great. Other times it will be truly awful. Awesome and awful mixed together again and again to create our own unique path.

Achieving happiness is not a goal to aspire to. Feeling only joy and comfort is not worth striving for. Because life is ever-changing. Mostly beyond our control. In many ways, we live in a world of opposites. Good and bad. Joy and pain. Light and dark. But in other ways, we live in a world of grey. Or yellow, if you prefer. In between the extremes. Experiencing the human condition. Accepting that it is okay to feel afraid sometimes. We are all afraid of something. Still, we can work to move through it. Past it. Finding another path to trample. All the while, accepting one another and life as the flawed and chaotic beast that it is. Honouring the journey of those living it alongside us. Not always agreeing, but allowing it to be what it is. Who knows. I am not an expert. It’s just a thought.