“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” To this day, especially in times of disaster, I remember my mother’s words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world”

— Fred Rogers

Though it has not been easy, I have tried to be open about how the accident has affected us, as individuals and as a family. It is not always comfortable, because though there are many who understand us, there are also many who do not. Still, I have attempted to the best of my ability to tell it like it is. To share the scary feelings. To talk about the uglier side of surviving trauma. In an attempt to support others going through something like we went through. Though we are often told to push them away and negate them, these feelings are as much a part of the journey as when we are at our most inspirational. When our world fell apart, I did not know this. I thought we could just ignore the pain and focus on the things we were supposed to focus on. The positive pieces.

In the early days, in many ways, we felt very alone. To me, my feelings felt bigger than they should. Unfortunately, I did not know this was normal. Both Chris and I had been taught, that the important thing was to just keep on moving. To not think. To just do. To focus on the positive. To hide the negative emotions away. While this way of moving through the world can be helpful in some circumstances, after the accident I found myself struggling to do just that. We had two very young children, and as a mother, I was already emotionally and physically busy. My body was still recovering and I was still adapting to motherhood. I felt like we were just hitting our stride. Then, everything changed.

For the first year, I thought to myself, “no worries, I got this.” I focussed on all the things we had to be grateful for. I focussed on protecting and sheltering my children from the trauma. I focussed on Chris’ healing. I focussed on all of the positive emotions and tried to ignore all the pain and the hurt I was feeling. I put on a brave face and I carried on. I did my hair and I put on makeup and I took charge. And then, the bottom dropped out again.

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It appears that to some my honesty makes me a ‘victim’ in the most negative of terms. They condescendingly wish me peace and happiness. They hope one day, I may be blessed enough to move forward. But to wish this for me is to misunderstand me. My life is not filled each day with doom and gloom. Through all of this, our family has lived some of the most beautiful of days. We know we are lucky in so many ways and we are grateful for all we have. But, if I only talked about that. If I focus only on the things that would make us inspirational, I would be dishonest. It would also be a loss. Because one thing I have actually been blessed with is the ability to write how things feel. And sometimes the negative parts of the journey need to be talked about openly.  They need to be shared. After the accident, I did not need to read an inspirational book on those who had already survived. I needed to know how they survived.

I needed a person like me. Someone who had lived it. Someone who is living it. I needed to be told, much of your support system will disappear. Don’t worry, it is not on you. You may find yourself the angriest you have ever felt. Don’t worry it will pass. Many days will be hard. You will get through them. In so many ways, you will truly see life for the first time. In a sense will get used to it. People will say you are broken. Don’t believe them. Your pain will be used against you. Don’t allow it. I needed someone to tell me. Shani, be you. Allow yourself to heal how you heal. Feel what you need to feel. Process what needs to be processed. Be who you need to be. We all grieve differently. We all heal at our own pace.

It has taken some time, but I have learned to accept our journey for what it is. I am comfortable with the choices we have made and the lines we have held. I do not aspire to use simple words like peace or happiness. I aspire to allow life to be life. To understand that some days are light and some are dark. To admit we have struggled. To acknowledge we sometimes found ourselves on our knees. But through it all, we continued to get up again and again. At times on our own, at others because of a helping hand. And even when we are hurting the most, we believe there is a way through. Slowly understanding vulnerability is not weakness. In some circumstances anger is justified and tears do not make us less than. And finally, I have found myself here. Head up, eyes forward, becoming increasingly comfortable in the fact that I am human. Nothing more. Nothing less.

And if you happen to find yourself in the thick of it, try to remember to look for people who understand what you are going through. It won’t always be easy to find them, but watch for them. Then talk to them. Meet up with them. Know they are out there. They will not judge. They will not tell you to get over it. Move on. Enough time has passed. Because many people who have lived through trauma understand that time is not always linear. Sometimes it circles back on itself. Sometimes, many years later, we are triggered. People who have lived through trauma will realize that feeling the less popular emotions does not make us a “victim” in the negative sense of the word. They will know, as I do, that sometimes life is not easy. Sometimes we struggle. But, that is okay.