“That which does not kill us makes us stronger.” — Nietzshe

I am starting to feel even more like myself these days. I know I have said this before, but it seems to be a part of the process. The healing. The finding of oneself a little at a time. During those tough years, a part of me was missing. Perhaps without realizing it, I created a safe little place inside for that part of me. The part I have been missing for too long. I built it a sanctuary. A place with warm feelings, and tender hands. Soft words and blue skies. She lived there. The part of me I wanted to keep. Pieces of me from the pre. From the days I lived in before the accident. The world I inhabited before it all changed. The soft parts of me. The innocent and childlike ones. The most pure and fragile pieces.

After the accident. After a trauma. Our eyes shift focus. We realize that in so many ways, we have been living blindly. Missing out on many of the details moving around us. Not only do we see more clearly, we feel more fully as well. Things are not muted. We are not numb. At least I wasn’t. It was like in a matter of days, I found myself a very different person, living in a very different world. Seeing reality for the very first time.

The world around me became too much, because suddenly, I could see and feel all of the sadness and suffering that surrounded. When someone was mean, it felt ten times stronger than before the accident. If I saw someone suffering, or heard a tragic story, I felt their pain so much more intensely. So much more than I ever had. It was like all the defences I had built up over my life time, slowly, as the days passed, slipped away. Leaving me there naked and defenceless. If someone spoke harshly, or treated me with disdain, my body felt it like a child feels sharp words. It felt unfair. Wrong. Crushing.

There was a period of time when I could not watch the news or read a newspaper. I could not listen to sad or tragic stories. I had to protect myself from people who couldn’t empathize with me, because I could not deal with their harshness. Their rough way of interacting with the world. Their weapons cut me like never before in my adult life. I had nothing left to fight back with. No weapons of my own to pull. So, like I said. I put the most precious parts of myself away in a box. Like hidden treasures. To be kept from view. So as not to be tainted or tarnished by the weapons of people whose defences had not yet fallen.

Those days were some of the hardest I have ever lived. And I have lived through some pretty crappy crap. Those days were hard, but they helped me to see more clearly who I am and what I stand for. I understand what matters to me, and I am learning to stand up for myself again. I am strong enough to put myself out there in ways I never have. To be thankful for who I am, and who I have become. I am not interested in taking shit from other people, and though some might think I am unfair, I am honest enough with myself to move forward and make decisions confidently. The piece of myself I hid away, is no longer interested in hiding. I am ready to take on the world. To enjoy the life I have fought for. To be proud of myself and of Chris and of our kids for being able to still see the shiny, positive side of life, though we have been surrounded by tremendous amounts of negative energy.

Being in a vulnerable state often brings the worst out in the people around us. Being unable to fight back as one normally would, makes some people believe they have been given carte blanche in our lives. That they can say what they like and treat us as they choose, because we will not call them on their behaviour. For awhile, for a long time, we were not as fierce as we would like to be. We were surviving, and survivors are busy making it through the day. They do not have extra energy for the petty. But then, suddenly, we find ourselves on the other side of it. We no longer have to hide ourselves away in a protective box. We are whole again. We are stronger than those who have never had to survive a trauma. We have fortified ourselves with a new kind of self worth and self love. We are less affected by outside interference. We want to live an honest life facing forward, though we know we are not perfect. Though we know we will make mistakes. Though we know there will be times we are not always at our best. We love ourselves regardless. We have accepted ourselves, blemishes and all. We see the true value of owning our journey. And there is a tremendous power in that. In knowing that strength comes from the inside. From a place so deep that most will never find it. And though others may judge us, we have stopped judging ourselves. For doing what it takes to survive. To be survivors. Unapologetic. Fierce. Pieced back together. Stronger than ever.