“An abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal behavior.”

–Viktor E. Frankl

One thing that many people do not understand. About life after the accident. Is this. It is not their journey. It has never been their journey. It has never been about them. I am not saying they have not been touched by it. I am not saying they do not have their own journey. I am not saying their paths have not been altered because of it. I am not saying that. I am simply saying. Our journey is not their journey.

When dealing with the aftermath of a trauma. When struggling to survive. Trying to make sense of it all. We know. We always know that a lot of people do not understand. Why we continue to change. Why we continue to talk about our lives post trauma. Why we still rile against it. Why sometimes we are angry. Why sometimes we are at peace. Why we embrace the trauma that almost destroyed us. They do not get why we don’t just cut the cord. Why we don’t just leave it behind us. Stop living in it. Stop becoming. When trauma knocked upon our door. When it called our names. It affected us in a way many do not understand. They will never understand until they hear the knock on their door. Until they take the journey we have taken. When they have walked a path such as ours. We would never. Ever. Wish it upon another. Still. We know. We know something they do not. We are no longer innocent. We are the ones who can see.

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Chris and I look at the accident from many angles. Some days we curse it. We want to shout into the sky. We want to punch our pillows. We ask, why? Why us? Why this family? Why this husband? Why this father? There are those days. The tough ones. The ones we struggle through. There also the complacent days. The passive days. The ones that go by. Then there are the better days. On these days we feel grateful. Because somewhere along the journey. Somewhere along the path. We learned. We learned things you cannot learn unless you have lived through something. Something we would never choose. Something we would take back if we could. Something we would change. But, something nonetheless. Chris and I have lived through something. We are living through something. Trauma has changed us. It is still changing us. Some of the changes we struggle with. Some of the changes we embrace. We embrace them knowing they would not have happened. Had that field not caught my husband that day. Had Chris not lived through a miracle. Had we not almost lost him. Had we not been given the opportunity to find out what really matters. Had the trauma never happened.

I am learning I do not need to apologize for being a person who has survived. Chris. Well, he is learning this too. Because in truth it is not logical. To apologize to those who do not understand our journey. To apologize to those who do not try to understand. Do not try to show empathy. To show compassion. To show they have reflected also. That they have also grown. Because if they are judging the journey of a survivor. Well, they have been surpassed. We are growing while they remain stagnant. Stuck. Living in fear that trauma might one day change them. Certain of the fact they would do it differently.

With  reflection, I am starting to realize I do not need to explain our choices. To defend them. To anyone. Because I now know. Those who have lived through trauma. Those who have lived it. They will not judge our journey. Just as they do not want their journey to be judged. Those who have lived through trauma. Those who actually get it. They have empathy. They show compassion. And those who have not lived through trauma. In truth. Their opinions do not really matter. Because they do not get it. They are not proud of us as they should be. They attempt to minimize our experiences. Because they do not have the capacity. To understand a world they have not lived in. A language they cannot comprehend. Their opinions matter as much as mine would, if I walked into a scientist’s lab and started to judge the scientist his work. It is not logical. It is not mathematical. It does not add up.

When one lives through a trauma. That trauma presses every single button. Every single trigger we have. Hard. We come face to face with our greatest fears. We struggle to overcome our most difficult challenges. Not one at a time. Not at our leisure. Not when we choose. All together. Every day. For a very long time. And, through this process. Upon this road. We often lose ourselves. We get lost. We lose direction. We do not know up from down. Front from back. We do not know which path to take. Which road to follow. We get lost like we have never been lost before. For awhile we spin in circles. We start down paths and then we turn back. We ask strangers for directions. We fall to our knees. We pray. Still, for a very long time we remain there. In that state. Feeling afraid and alone.

But then something starts to happen. Though we may at times still be moving in circles. Some of the paths begin to feel familiar. We learn where the water holes are and where we can go for sustenance. Some of the strangers become friends. They help us to find our bearings. Some even walk along the path with us. Fear begins to fall away. And though we still struggle at times. The struggles feel like less of a burden. We mourn the life we lost. The people we left behind. But eventually, we find a new clearing with fragrant flowers and trees that offer shelter. We build ourselves a new home. A new life. And those who we matter most to. They have walked some of the path with us. They know where to find us. Others, they will look until they do. Find us. The ones that  accept we are gone and move on. Well, I suppose maybe we should not even mourn them. Instead we should celebrate. Leaning into the people we have become.

On this journey, Chris and I have lost parts of ourselves. Some we clung to and some we let go willingly. Almost with relief. We have lost. This is true. And in many ways this has been harder to deal with than the actual trauma. We have lost a certain innocence. We are less naive. But the most important things on this journey. Are the things we have picked up along the way. The things we have found. We are learning who we are in this world. We are deciding who we want to be. What is important to us. What matters. We are making choices. We are creating a life we are proud of. Sure somedays are hard. Somedays we are less than stellar. But most days we stand strong. We live in our truth. We accept the life we have been given. The gifts we have received. We find a way to be grateful. For the lessons we have learned. For the truths we have seen. For the house in the clearing. Because along the way. Somehow. When we were the most lost. We found ourselves. We became Us.