“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”

— Maya Angelou

Today is the fourth anniversary of Chris’ accident. I always find the days leading up to it difficult, and of course today is always a pretty strange day. We cannot always pinpoint the moment our lives change. Most of the time change is gradual. Every now and then though, we know the exact moment that everything changed. Today is one of those days.

One of the reasons I write this blog is because when I started the search for support I was able to find very little. Thankfully I found one site and through this site, I found Krista. The number of lives Krista and the co-creators of the Survivor’s Network for the Air Medical Community has touched must number in the thousands. I am one of those lives. We are not a part of the Air Medical community, but Krista welcomed us. We are a part of a community affected by the trauma caused by a helicopter accident. We are a part of a community that knows what a trauma can do to a life. I am very thankful for the support Krista has given us. I am thankful the Survivor’s Network for the Air Medical Community exists. They saw the massive hole that needed to be filled, and stepped in to fill it. This is commendable.

They have given us a space in which we can share our story. I often wonder about the other stories. Of those who have gone through what we have gone through. Those who will go through it in the future. Those who have survived worse than we have. Much worse. I think about them often. I wonder how everyone is doing.  Do they have support? Are people standing behind them? Have they found people they feel safe with? Or do they feel as alone as we did and sometimes still do?

Another reason I started writing this blog is to speak out. Living through such a trauma has not been easy. As a loved one. As a survivor. I wanted to talk about what has happened to us both as a family, and as individuals. I was searching for people who would understand us. I was also searching for understanding from people who will likely never understand us. To educate those who do not want to be educated. We found it difficult to find people who would listen. So I started to write. To speak our truth. Finding a way to validate our experiences. To validate us. To acknowledge out loud that the road we are on is often difficult. I think I thought if I wrote, with honesty, about our struggles, that the turned backs might change their minds.

It did not take me very long to realize this would not happen. Still, I wrote. And as time passed, I started writing for another reason. I started writing for myself, and for this family. If I wrote about the hardest days, and the darkest feelings. About refusing to give up though there were days when we felt we could go no further. Then, well the judgement felt less heavy. Each word I wrote and then posted empowered me. Empowered us. If we admit our deepest fears and our deepest failures somehow it seems to lessen their hold on us. As the months have passed and the blogs have grown in number, I have also grown. There is power in a story. There is power in the truth.

I also write for the survivors like us. Those who have been forced to live with trauma. Those whose lives have been forever altered. Those who have struggled. In the second year after the accident the full magnitude of trauma hit me full force. I had no choice but to deal with it. My body would not allow me to live in denial. To say one more time, “we are doing just fine.” An ambulance ride to the ER. Panic attacks that came when they felt like it. Fear like I have never known. Led me to the true understanding of trauma. Through my own eyes. I know I am not the only one out there living this. At that point though, I did not know. I thought I was losing my mind. I felt like I was losing control. I wish there had been someone there to tell me that this was normal.

So maybe, just maybe, if I tell our story. The gory details of it. As I validate us, I might also help validate the experience of another. That when someone who does not understand, questions how they are dealing with their trauma, maybe it won’t hurt quite so much. When someone judges or walks away, they can think of us, and know that struggling after trauma is common. As is judgement. When anxiety threatens to steal away all they love they will know there are others fighting the same battle. Others who have made it to the other side. In truth, the blog came out of a selfish need. Not finding someone like me for far too long. From not knowing our journey is normal. Through this journey I have come to realize there is far too little support for people like us. We need more voices. We need more support.

Today, July 5th. Four years later, I am making the choice to truly start looking forward. The past four years have not been easy, and they will continue to influence the lives we live going forward. But now, today, there are so many things we have to let go off. We cannot change the past. It has been written. So, instead, we choose to focus on the present, and on building a future we can be proud of. Our kids grow bigger as each day passes, and they need a mother and father who are present each day. And to be honest, through all of this, we have found there to be incredible beauty in the world. We have found strength we did not know we had, and our love has grown stronger and deeper.

I know in the years to come, we will look back at these days. And though our house was torn down and torched, we are rebuilding. Rebuilding with a foundation that is so much stronger, with walls that are not so easy to destroy. It has taken us awhile to get used to the new neighbourhood, but slowly it has grown more familiar.

It is a new day, and I am happy to be here. In the present. Looking forward to what the future holds. Finally.