“Everything you need to know you have learned through your journey.”

— Paulo Coelho

Every day. Every single day my body is still processing. Still adapting. Still learning. Still becoming. July moves ever closer. Another anniversary. Another milestone. Another reason to “get over it.” Another day.

Chris and I used to talk about a field. We envisioned ourselves walking out of the dense darkness of the forest in which we had found ourselves. Awaiting us would be a field of lush grasses and wildflowers. The bright sun would warm our bodies as we walked into the sunlight we had missed so deeply. The heavens would sing to us through the voices of the birds as they serenaded us. All of our fears and worries would fall away. In that moment we would know we were safe. That we had survived. We had arrived in the place we were meant to be. Safe from the forest in which we had wandered, for so very long, lost.

I now know that field does exist, but we cannot live there forever. In eternal sunlight. The promise of safety. That is not how it works. We do not magically wake up one day healed. Forever safe. The clouds do not just open up, revealing a sun that will save us. Instead it is a journey made up of a continuation of days. Some days we open our eyes to a welcoming sun. Other days, the clouds hang low until we close our eyes again at night. Some days, the sun and clouds do battle. We can only watch to see which will prevail. We cannot chose the weather. The only choice. What to do in it. Dance in the rain, or seek shelter until it passes.

I still struggle with the forest. All of the trails. Not knowing which one to follow. Using instinct and intuition to find the way. Sometimes this pays off. Other times, not so much. I am growing used to the forest though. It is no longer foreign to me. I have grown more confident in my explorations. Every now and then, I see another wandering soul, following paths that intersect with mine. Sometimes we talk. Other times, we nod in recognition as we pass. Understanding each other’s journey, though many of our paths lead to different places.

I realize that at times in life we have to make choices in the dark, hoping they will lead us into the light. And sometimes there is purpose in the darkness. Perhaps even some meaning. I have searched for clues on each path we have taken. My mind wanting to create reasons. An answer to my why.

I have spent time in the field that Chris and I envisioned. Sometimes by myself. Sometimes with Chris. Sometimes with others. The sun has shone. Warming me. Sustaining me. I have lain down in its welcoming embrace, a warm breeze reminds me I am alive. I am surviving. There are days when I feel that I will not have to enter that forest again. Though I know in my heart this is not true. We all have to enter it at some point in our lives. We do not get to always live our lives in the warmth of the sun. The sun cannot shine everyday. And even if it did, we would tire of its intensity. Eventually, we would seek the coolness of the forest. The excitement of a new unknown path.

I do not know if this will make sense to those who read this. I am not even sure it makes sense to me. I just know I have come to learn that life is made up of fields and forests. Sunny days and cloudy days. Some things are in our control. This is not. I do not know why life is like this. I ponder this question often. Why? Still, I cannot answer this. I feel like I would need another lifetime or two. So, as far as I can tell, the only thing I can do is try to find comfort in both the fields and the forests. Knowing that in life, I have no choice but to live in both.