“Having courage does not mean that we are unafraid. Having courage and showing courage, mean we face our fears. We are able to say, ‘I have fallen, but I will get up”

–Maya Angelou

It has been a long time since I have regularly written this blog. I needed a break from it. I needed to process the processing. I hope that makes sense. Let me explain. Processing a trauma is hard. At least it was for me. For us. It was not perfect. We learned a lot as we struggled to understand the world and ourselves in a new way. A way that was difficult to comprehend. While we processed, we discovered weaknesses and strengths. We touched bottom. Now we must look back and figure out what it all means. Get to know the people who have emerged on the other side.

In the first part of my blog I wrote about the hospital. About the call and what that call led to. My husband in a hospital room fighting for his life. Our children waiting with their Aunt and Grandma for us to come home. Me on a plane, then in the hospital sitting next to Chris day after day. Not leaving him until he was ready to come home. A family altered. Never to be completely the same.

Writing a blog has been a great outlet. It helped me work through the emotions and events of those first few days that followed the accident. Writing it down and sharing it released those scary moments. My body no longer had to hold them. Separated from those around me. Moving inside my head. Not knowing where to go. It helped Chris and I to grow closer. As we walked the path together, we often danced around the subject of pain. We tried to protect one another with our silence. We did not want to add to the weight the other carried. So we kept things to ourselves. The blog changed this. Chris could read how the hospital affected me. Putting the words to the page opened things up for us. It made us realize hiding things did not lighten the load. Instead it added to the weight.

In many ways we have processed the hospital. We can look back at it now. It is a part of our history. It is not the present anymore. While writing about it aided in the recovery, it was not easy. It brought things up. It reminded. I did not plan on stopping the blog after the hospital. It happened naturally. My fingers did not crave the keyboard. My mind still held the time following our return home in the present. Maybe the reason I can now write the next chapter is because it is finally starting to feel like the past.

The processing and the road that followed the hospital were not easy. We had so much to learn. We had wounds that needed to heal. We had a journey before us. We spent years on that road. Years. Not what I expected as we excitedly left the hospital. Walking beside one another. But, yes. Years. Days and months that passed by. In a fog. Trying to survive just one day. I guess that is where the saying, taking things day by day comes from. Sometimes that is the only choice we have. I used to think this made me weak. I no longer believe this. I now think it makes me human. I have learned so much. Chris and I both have. We are walking out of this storm changed. We are different people in so many fundamental ways. I hope we are better for it.

So, it is now time for me to process the processing.  To talk about the dark alleys we walked down. To share our struggles. How we almost lost one another in the darkness. How we almost lost ourselves. The storm battered us until the boat we rode in no longer sailed. For a long time it drifted. Lost in the doldrums. The winds that punished us died off, and we were left with peace and quiet. Our thoughts bouncing around in our heads as nothing seemed to change. Each day we worked on mending our sails, so that when the wind finally did pick up again, we would be ready. And now we sit in a boat that is moving forward. A patched together sail now catches the wind. We are no longer in the storm. The doldrums are behind us. We are both looking toward the horizon as we warm ourselves in the sun and the warm breeze that came to push us forward. It is time again to share our journey.