“It is essential that we seek to understand the experiences of crash survivors and surviving  family members so that we can develop the means to mitigate both economic and non-economic cost of crashes.”

— Krista Haugen (“A Shot in the Dark”– Vertical Magazine)

What does an accident cost? For us. To be honest. We are still calculating it. We are still paying. Today. Three years later. I would like to tell you a story about an inspirational family. A family who pulled its shoulders back and got through it in no time. Whose lives did not change dramatically, except in ways that would make us feel proud. I cannot share that story. It is not mine to tell. It is not our story. Our story instead, is of a family that has struggled to find its footing along the way. Stumbling more times than we would like to admit. Making mistakes as we struggled to heal. As we tried to find the glue to put us together again. To hold us in one piece. To survive in the aftermath of a helicopter accident.

The cost. So very high. Higher than I could ever have imagined. That day on the beach. With my children beside me. When I got that call. The call. “There has been an accident.” I did not know what it would cost us. The high price we like so many others would pay.

Our children were one and three when the accident happened. So young. Just babies. They will know no other life. They will not remember the time they spent with pre-accident Chris and Shani. They will not know our innocence. Their lives have been altered. Fundamentally. They will know no other way. It has cost them. A mother who now often struggles with anxiety has replaced a much more carefree one. A mother and father who know the worst-case scenario happens. Lives can be changed in an instant. I know in my heart in some ways they will know us better now. Maybe we love them more purely. Maybe we now live more purely. Their lives though. A part of their lives was stolen on that day, and the days following. Though we shelter them from it the best we can, children are wise. They feel our feelings. I pray we have cushioned this for them in a way that has protected them. That this cost won’t weigh heavy upon them. Now or in the future.

Financially. This is something I am not very comfortable talking about. I feel it should be addressed though. It is part of the price. I would like to say it does not matter. For most of the time, I have pretended to myself it did not. It’s not what really matters. This is true. We still have Chris. This is what really matters. To say it does not matter at all though. Is false. Money means security. We are a family of four. At the time of the accident, Chris was the only one working. He paid the bills. He provided security. What do you think happens when there is an accident? Do you think the people carry on normally just a few months later? Insurance will cover all the costs? The finances won’t take a major hit? Something else I did not get at first. For a long time. We had worked so hard to get where we were. Financially sound. Secure. The accident changed everything. While our friends, family and peers were still building, we were going back to the beginning. We have gone back past the beginning. Much deeper than that. We are just starting to recover now. Three years later. Like I said, I do not like talking about finances. We have hidden our struggles from everyone we could. Shame, I suppose. The feeling of weakness. Failure. It stings. There have been so many roadblocks. Turned backs. Forgotten support. Mistakes on our part. Made in the midst of dealing with the trauma. When we are talking about the cost though, I do not believe we are the exception. The financial cost. Huge.

Our relationship. We have had more than one person in the know tell us it is not common for a relationship to endure after major trauma. I now understand why. I swear it has pushed almost every button. Both in ourselves, and in our relationship. Hard. We have gone through this together, and we have gone through it apart. We all deal with trauma in our own unique way. Though there are similarities, no one heals or deals quite the same. These last few years have not been easy on us. Though we have learned so much, and have much to be grateful for, I do wonder where we would be if things had been different. Where would our relationship be? Would we have struggled the way we have? The way we still do? Again, it is another cost which is hard to calculate. I do not think we will really know what it has cost us until we are much further into the future. Further away from the accident. I do know it has cost us dearly though. There has been a price to pay. I just hope in the end it has brought us closer together. So the price will be worth it.

Our relationship with others. With the world. With the universe. With aviation. The cost to our loved ones. To those who have supported us along the way. There is so much more I could say about these costs. So many more I could add. If I sat here long enough, I could come up with a much longer list. I could fill pages. I am not saying everything since that day has been negative. That every day has been a withdrawal. No, there have been plenty of deposits. Many gifts along the way. We have much to be thankful for, and we feel blessed in so many ways. I would be lying though if I pretended this accident has not taken a lot from us. Sometimes it feels it has all been taken without our consent. Make no mistake. An accident. Any accident costs too much. For anybody. The costs. There are so many others who have paid. Who will pay? The cost of an accident. Hard to calculate. So, I will call it this. For us. Priceless.